To Tolerate: verb

In high school, in my junior year, my Gay-Straight Alliance club leader sat me down and said, "I need you to be president next year".

"Why?"

"Because no one else wants to, and I can't let X-person take over. It's you, or the club is gone."

Obviously, I accepted my official, non-elected post as GSA president and had no idea what I was doing with five people who weren't really my friends with one of them being a staunch Catholic who actually told us that she didn't believe in LGBTQ+ rights. (Don't ask. I still don't understand it myself).

The first goal was to increase the size of the club. We were the smallest club, the least active club, and frankly the most disliked club on campus. We had one day to make an impression, and my job was to make pamphlets to convince people to join. I worked with my dad on the wording because (at that time) he was the person in my life that had the most influence on my views and I wanted to get this right.

"So, your goal is to spread awareness of different sexual orientations and to promote tolerance of the LGBT community," he asked me, typing up the mission statement.

"No."

"Isn't that what the GSA is supposed to do?"

It took me a long time to figure out what was so wrong with that statement. In 2008 (my senior year), the discourse surrounding the LGBT community (because it wasn't widely called LGBTQ+ yet) was that of "promoting tolerance". I hated that. To my core, I felt that there was something missing and wrong about that phrase.

"To promote acceptance," I said. Dad, looking impressed, deleted 'tolerance', and typed in 'acceptance' instead. This was the first time I could verbalize why I felt so strongly about the word, and I have never used it since.

According to Oxford Languages, "tolerance" is a verb, meaning "to allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one dislikes or disagrees with) without interference". According to Merriam-Webster, it is "to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction".

I think most people feel that when we "promote tolerance" we mean the Merriam-Webster definition, but the nuance of language subtly nudges a mindset more like the Oxford Languages definition. This is because "tolerance" suggests that the thing we are tolerating is, in some way, disagreeable: something that we would rather just put away, never see, and never talk about.

I tolerate that have to menstruate once a month and endure a ridiculous amount of pain. I tolerate that there are some people who look at me and treat me like I'm still a child because I'm really short. I tolerate the fact that some people stare at me because my face is the only Asian face they've ever seen, and they can't help themselves but rubber-neck when I pass by.

All of these things – ALL of them – are distasteful. Why would I want to promote that kind of distaste for a community of people I'm trying to fight for and protect?

According to Oxford Languages, "to accept" is a verb, meaning "to consent to receive or undertake (something offered)" or "to believe or come to recognize (a proposition) as valid or correct". According to Merriam-Webster, it means "to receive (something offered) willingly" or "to give admittance or approval to [something]".

Isn't that more consistent with what we are actually promoting?

Since that fateful club day, I've spent a lot of time considering what exactly acceptance looks like, or what I hope it will look like one day. What does a world look like where we don't care about people's relationships, so long as everyone is safe? What does it feel like to disagree with someone's choices but still love and support them unconditionally? I think it looks normal.

I think it looks like my friend's grandmother (almost-became-a-nun Catholic), who was convinced that she and I were dating, and was visibly relieved when she found out that we had separate bedrooms. This woman supported my divorce, asks how I'm doing, loves me and my family for being good humans, and said absolutely nothing to impose her beliefs onto me. I think despite whatever feelings and teachings she ascribes to, "love thy neighbor" has always won out. She believes that I deserve happiness, and she always tells me how much she loves me and my family.

That is acceptance, not tolerance.

That's normal. Or it should be.

Happy Pride 2025